Food for thought

It's a late night here in Tallinn, Estonia and while I find myself unable to sleep, I am somewhat grateful to be able to enjoy the stillness of the night. Since Tallinn is a city, though a tiny city, I am amazed by the quietness the evenings provide. The window is open and though the air is somewhat chilly, blowing in from across Russia, the city itself seems to be fast asleep. At least Christofer is fast asleep, I can hear his muffled snoring. I would be lying if I said I find myself calm and collected, because if I was, I would probably be asleep. No, life and it's grand ups and downs is the thing keeping me awake. I am so grateful for everything God has blessed me with and I don't think I will ever understand how incredible my life is, yet I find myself falling into the same evil traps over and over. I suppose if I never wondered or pondered who I am, what I am, and why I exists then I probably wouldn't be human. It seems no matter how I try there are somethings that I will never understand, about myself and about life in general. I've always wanted to be and do something meaningful, but the more I do the less gratified I am and the more I realize that a lot of what I do, I do because I am trying to fill a void. I know that void can only be filled by allowing Jesus to fill it, yet I find that it's not necessarily a matter of trying, its a matter of waiting, waiting, being willing, and some more waiting. I don't think the void will every go away, I don't think I will ever feel satisfied until I am heaven, but the lingering question is how to pass the time in a meaningful way. I pretty sure that was a  rhetorical question since I know there is a lot that I haven't done that could be meaningful and there is a lot that I do that isn't. I'm starting to feel sleepy which is probably a good thing since this post is starting to sound repetitive.
  I shall end with  this thought.  Small daily decisions determine our destiny. and  as C.S Lewis puts it
 ' If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning.'